Cambion

[Bear]

I have been a planning a series of books as one of my dreams is to be come a novelist. Now this is the plan for my first book and the first in the series I am writing. I would like to know what people thnk so I can see if its worth writing it up. I would be so grateful if you could take your time to read this as I have worked really hard on it. Please could you comment and any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Its very brief and if its not good please tell me but if you do say you dont like it please give reasons so I can improve it.

1. Eldora sees her niece Elle for the first time and has a premonition about her showing that she is the bringer of death and evil. Shockingly her parents Phineas (Eldora’s brother) and Lydia are proud of this. She shouts at them both as they are delighted about the news that their daughter will be very powerful she leaves outraged. Once out the house she has another premonition in the grounds about Elle’s brother and how he will destroy her and he will be born as the year dies. Even though Elle is an only child she still feels worried. Next year she is invited back to the house as she hasn’t been since Elle was born she is filled with dread. Her fears are realised when she hears Lydia has had a son. His name is Michael, she looks into his eyes but nothing happens which disappoints Phineas as he was hoping for another premonition like Elle’s. They seem bored of Michael already and not as excited and offer him to Eldora as they don’t care for Michael. She leaves for good but feeling very sad for Michael as he will have a hard life in that house as second favourite.

2. 15 years later and nothing has really changed. Elle is leaving home for a new school, she is very thin and white with shoulder length black hair and grey, cold eyes. She looks like a corpse. Michael has his dad’s eyes which are dark blue which are seen as charming but unlike his dads have a sparkle and are full of warmth. He wasn’t thin but not large he was just normal; he had brown hair which was short and spiky. He had dark skin like his dad, in many ways he looked like him but he didn’t have his personality or manipulative air about him. Michael is ignored by his family as they have no use for him. He was close with the maid; she basically raised him as his parents didn’t want to. Elle frequently picks on him but now she just stays locked in her room only coming out for meals. She leaves the house to go to her new school, so its just Michael, Phineas and Lydia left. An argument is caused when Phinnuis, who is a politician, uses blackmail to be voted into being the mayor of their village. Michael hears this from his best friends Violet’s dad (Robert) who was threatened by Phineas to vote him in. Michael shouts at his dad about his dirty dealings so Phineas throws him out into the rain shouting “You are no son of mine!” He turns up to Violet’s house asking if he can stay.

3. Michael is now living in Violet Turner’s spare room. He is happier then he has ever been before. Her parents Robert and Lavender did not mind at all as long as he helped around the house which he was more than happy to do. His dad got voted in to office and he noticed he wasn’t in the article where it mentioned Elle. He was just an accident that should never be released into society. He stayed with them in their cottage for about 5 months when it was time for Violet and Michael to go to Hazel Barto Academy when their 16. It is a sort of boarding school only more independent, they each major in something. This was their part of the country version of schooling; they never stuck to the national curriculum. They would go to the village’s school for 12 years then leave to go to Hazel Barto if they were lucky as that was the “it” school as everyone came out with degrees and became very successful. It was a long standing Dainya tradition to go there even though Michael was ignored he still had to go. He wasn’t complaining he wanted to get away from the village. He would major in ICT and math; he was literally a genius when it came to ICT. His speciality was hacking; he could break through any computer shields or passwords. He used this skill to find out everything about his dads dealings. Violet would be majoring in Music and Literature. They leave with their suit cases and say goodbye.

4. They take the train to the Hazel Village where Hazel Barto is. The school is a huge manor with separate buildings for the students to live in. Each little room has a living room and two bedrooms. Michael looked at the long list of names and he saw he wasn’t with Violet for living arrangements but was with Hiro Shang, Karen James and Ursula Teal. He spots Elle walking around as if she owned the place but he also noticed how the other students looked at her, as if they were scared of her, not just scared but feared. Some older students looked at the lists to see if they knew anyone and people were muttering the name “Michael Dainya” he was filled with dread as they said his name with fear, he must be like his sister. Luckily he didn’t look anything like her so he was ok for the time being. He was already known throughout the place but he wasn’t famous he was infamous.

5. He walked over to his room thinking how tough will his time here be because of Elle. He truly hated being a Dainya he even though his dad constantly said being a Dainya you are practically royalty. His family were nothing to be proud of his dad was a dirty dealing politician who blackmailed his way into power, his mum was so vain she botoxed her face into an expressionless mask then his sister. There was something about Elle not the feeling he gets from his dad but something eerie and not right. There was word to describe her: evil. Just plain evil. While he unpacked Hiro came in and introduced himself. Michael did the same and Hiro looked kind of scared, Michael cleared it up by saying he is nothing like her so much so he got thrown out of his house for being unlike her. It turned out that Hiro’s dad was one of the people blackmailed but as it was lies Phineas used, Mr Shang couldn’t be threatened or blackmailed. Michael was surprised at how nice Hiro was and only knew about him and Elle through his sister Yuka. Hiro was going to be majoring in History. Michael introduced Violet and Hiro and it seemed they would all become friends.

6. Michael starts his lessons and the teachers and students looked at him, it seemed the rumour that Elle Dainya’s brother had come to Hazel Barto and must be as terrible as her. Elle had heard these rumours so on his fourth day there when he made his way to computing her and her friend Charlie pushed him into a store cupboard and threatened him. Soon though the rumours about him died away and he was becoming quite popular as he was so nice, they started saying that Elle was just misunderstood and needed help. This angered her so much that she pushed him into a wall one night when he left the library and kneed him in the stomach and punched him breaking his nose. Violet regularly stayed round their room instead of hers, she was talking to Hiro when he walked in bloody nosed and gasping for breath he had to go to hospital that night to have his nose fixed. When he got back after sitting in A&E for hours with a bandage on his nose which was heavily bruised he found a letter addressed to him in his room. It was from a village he had never heard of. Who would write to him a personal letter as it was most certainly not a business letter.

7. He opened the letter very slowly and read the letter. It was from his aunt Eldora, he never knew he had an aunt he kept on reading and she said she was his father’s sister and needed to tell him something very important. On Saturday morning he left very early to get the train over to small town by Bristol, it was a long way to go for the day but satisfying his curiosity meant he could sit on a train for hours. He got to the town and found the street; she lived in a small cottage with a thatched roof. He knocked on the door and she answered immediately, she was short and dumpy with short curly brown hair with the same blue eyes as Michael and Phinnuis. She invited him and made tea and told him everything about the night Elle was born even the part about him. Michael spat out his tea in disbelief. He couldn’t save anybody he was just Michael; ignored and basically useless. She said Elle probably knows about her prediction but only Eldora and Michael know about his. He was numb with shock he didn’t believe it well that’s what he told himself but he was scared. If this was going to happen how he could defeat her, she broke his nose the other day she could easily hurt him, it just didn’t seem right. Eldora explained that he has to keep an eye on her and be ready to fight when she became powerful. Michael couldn’t take it all in; it was too much he got up and left without a word.

8. Violet just sat staring at Michael when he told her everything. Hiro was in detention for punching Charlie who was the guy who helped hurt Michael. Violet seemed to accept the story much better then Michael though and felt he could do a lot to prevent anything from happening. He decided to ignore what Aunt Eldora told him, he felt life was too complicated without all of this worry thrown on him. Hiro agreed with him but also didn’t believe a word of what she said. It wasn’t quite so easy forgetting everything she said as Violet had started following Elle and kept on trying to tell Michael but more annoyingly was Aunt Eldora and started to badger him. She would constantly phone and write letters which was very annoying. Everything in these calls and letters were warnings of danger. He couldn’t ignore the situation as much as he had hoped but when Violet staggered into their room he had to act. Her nose was bloody and she had a black eye and was having trouble breathing. She said Charlie and Elle spotted her following them so they pulled her into a room and beat her up. She said though that Elle had been constantly checking out books but they didn’t seem to be school books and she constantly shut herself in her room during lunches. Violet said the only way for them to truly know what she is doing is to hack into her computer but Michael refused point blank. He was very angry about what happened to Violet but he still didn’t want to get involved over the prophecy.

9. Christmas was very fun at Hazel Barto, everyone went home including Michael but to Violets house but they came back for New Years Eve which was also Michael’s birthday. This meant that there was a two parties rolled into one which Michael was quite looking forward too. He was about to count down the New Year when exactly at midnight he had a terrible pain in his hand like something was burnt into it. When everyone jumped up and down as the clocks chimed Michael had ran out of the room and went to his room. He looked at his hand afraid what he might see, a date had been burned into his palm. The date was 20/4/2007. Then it clicked Eldora wasn’t lying what she said would happen and on this date, that was four months away, he felt sick in his stomach. He realised he can’t ignore the situation anymore however strange it may be, it was real. He was staring at his reflection in the mirror for ages sweating and shaking when another terrible pain in his other hand came. He looked and saw like the other one something burnt into his skin this time it was a time 23:59. He had to find out as much about Elle as he could know so he could beat her and destroy her. She had tormented him since he was little she broke his nose and now she had hurt his best friend. He wouldn’t to make her pay for making his life hell. But this all meant he had to find out how much she knew and the only way was to hack into her computer or maybe bug her room.

10. He left the bathroom shaking and saw Violet and Hiro sitting on his bed looking worried. Violet spotted him shout and grab his hand so he showed her his palms and she screamed. Hiro looked very shocked and pale, but soon accepted like Michael that they had to do something as it was going to happen. Where they did not know but they hoped it would resort to searching for the place if they could stop Elle quickly they would. Now Michael was always given money for his birthday from his parents, they knew it would shut him up and money was very impersonal so it suited well. Michael never spent this money as he didn’t believe in wasting it but now he felt he must use it to buy a tiny camera. He could easily hook it up and make it work but it was the fact of money and they all agreed they should have an eye and ear on Elle so he spent most of his money on this camera. Hiro started tailing Elle and heard about a trip on the 8th of January her class would be going on so they could break into her room then without getting caught. Michael went into the city on the weekend to buy everything and set everything up before he would sneak in there. They decided only Michael should go as he was the only one who could set up everything and there was no point for the others to go. Hiro and Violet were keeping watch and they would ring twice if anyone was coming but would ring once if Elle was coming. On the 8th Michael left his room about 3 o clock he had a lesson then but this was much too important as everyone else was still in class it was easy for Michael to break in. He was very good at picking locks as when he was younger he learnt how when his parents would lock him in his room. He easily got into Elle’s room which was very dark and depressing. He was wiring everything up and was almost done when his phone shook once that meant Elle was coming. He didn’t make it to the door when he heard Elle open the front door in a matter of seconds she would come in here. Michael opened up her wardrobe and climbed in hoping she wouldn’t open it. The door opened and Elle walked in, Michael had left a crack open in the wardrobe so he could see a little bit and he saw Elle close up for the first time in months. She looked like corpse, like something was draining the little life she has left away from her. Charlie storms in with a girl he knew as Emma but she was a year above him. By the sounds of things Elle got thrown off the trip for intimidating Emma but he listened in shock as Emma had heard everything they said about the 20th of April, Elle knew just like him. Then Elle picked up a paper weight and smashed Emma in the head, Michael stifled a gasp with his hand. He saw Charlie drag Emma and said he would dump Emma somewhere, she nodded and he left. She then collapsed on her bed and fell asleep. Michael just sat there shocked.

11. Michael fell asleep but woke up immediately when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He looked at the time and it was almost lesson time, Elle looked dead to the world so he felt it was time for him to escape. He slowly sneaked across the room and opened the door and he was thankful no one was in the living room. He ran back to his room to find Hiro and Violet sitting there looking very pale but incredibly relived to see that Michael was ok. But both looked panic stricken when Michael told them everything, but knew they had to increase their determination to stop Elle. Violet was so traumatised she ran out and threw up and was pale and shaking; Hiro wouldn’t speak to anyone but just stared out the window. Emma’s disappearance was the talking point of the school; the main theory was she ran away as she almost killed herself weeks before because of her family. Michael spent every night at his computer watching footage of Elle’s day, all she ever did was read and read but he was almost certain they weren’t school books. He noticed Charlie was always there but he would just sit and watch her read, everyday she got thinner.

12. Michael had been spending every night watching the footage until one night he had fell asleep on his keyboard but when he heard Elle saying tomorrow everything but one thing was ready. He heard Elle say Eldora and he felt scared as there was thing Eldora knew that was important which would seriously endanger him. He got up and got dressed and woke up Hiro and persuaded him to come with him to Eldora’s house. They left a note for Violet and left immediately. They got to the village by midday and found Eldora’s front door ajar they stepped him worried about what they would find. The house was ransacked they walked upstairs and found in his aunts room was her body on the floor with blood on her head and her eyes were wide with fright. She was dead. They got a call from Violet reminding them the date and that Elle were setting towards the destination. The Dainya’s estate.

13. Hiro and Michael sprinted towards the station and just about got on the train back towards his home. Violet was going home and would meet them at Michael’s house. They got there about nine o clock at night but had something to eat before they set towards his house as they had nothing to eat since yesterday afternoon. They got to Michael’s house but were facing a problem: how would they get in? Violet came out behind a wall saying she had been watching the house and Phineas and Lydia had left a while ago then so did the maids. They opened the gate and walked up the past, Michael felt very strange as he was trespassing in his own home. They walked up to Elle’s room and they easily broke the door down, Michael had never seen her room but it just looked like an ordinary bedroom nothing special. Violet looked through her bookcase but Michael thought for a minute that he has never been underneath this room the wall downstairs just stops on the boundaries of her room. He pulls up the rug and there is an obvious trap door but he couldn’t prise it open. Violet and Hiro noticed and tried to prise it open too but they failed. Michael walked out her room and pulled a medieval axe that was an artefact from the Dainya family and walked back in and swung it with all the strength he had and began hacking through the wood. When the door collapsed he saw a dusty room filled with nothing but books. He jumped down and looked at each title; everything was spell books and books about death and power. There was no light except from his torch. Violet gasped and pulled Michael up and they saw Elle standing in the grounds looking up into the sky then there was an explosion of light and she was gone. Hiro looked at his watch and gasped it was 23:59 they had a minute to get where Elle was standing and they were on the first floor. Violet made towards the door but Michael picked up the axe and swung it into the window so it smashed. He climbed out and jumped onto the grass he still had the axe in his hand and he sprinted. He heard Hiro and Violet behind him. Hiro shouted that they had 20 seconds left, Michael dove onto the spot and he felt the others fall next to him the there was the explosion of light. They couldn’t see what was happening as the light was so intense.

14. Michael got up gingerly they weren’t in the grounds anymore. The walls were stone with what looked like walls made out of green water. Violet got up and noticed it too then she gasped as there were bodies behind the wall looking very eerie. Hiro was going towards it his eyes fixed to it as he outstretched his hand Michael grabbed it shaking his head to Hiro. Violet turns around and points to what looks like a bundle on the cold stone floor. Violet walked over when they heard a cold laugh and saw Charlie he explained that he had been pushing Elle to learn everything about what would happen but he wanted to use her powers to help him for self gain. He walked over and said it’s too late for them to do anything as what is done is done. He looked over and Elle shot up and grabbed him by the throat and hurled him across the room and he hit one of the stone pillars. His eyes were wide and staring. He was dead. Elle looked completely different she had long black hair that seemed to be blowing behind even though there was no wind, she looked taller but when she turned round Hiro and Michael gasped as her eyes were no longer grey but milky white. She heard Violet gasp who was closet to her she stormed towards her before Violet could do anything Elle grabbed her by the throat and was choking her. Michael picked up his axe and made towards Elle but before he could swing Elle let Violet go but she struck her hand across Violets chest she crumpled to the ground not moving.

15. Hiro shouted and ran towards Violet Elle was about to do the same to him but Michael was quicker and he swung his axe but she was too quick and knocked his axe out his hand, it snapped as it hit the pillars. She swung her hand back and struck him across the face but before he could react he felt indescribable pain. He felt like he was on fire but he couldn’t move his legs but he felt them moving anyway towards the wall full of people. He tried to fight it but his legs just carried him he saw Charlie floating in the wall at this point he realised where they were: Limbo. To his horror he saw Charlie’s soul wink and smile at him then pulled out a completely straight silver sword from behind his back, Michael knew he had to get the sword to have any chance. He broke free of the prison in his mind and grabbed the sword and swung it towards Elle. She shrieked but then laughed she looked towards Violet who was being held by Hiro, he was crying Michael knew from his face that she was dead. Rage engulfed him; he had never felt such rage like this before. Elle had made his life miserable since he was born, she broke his nose she gloated when he was ignored but he had never hated her as much as he did before. He didn’t want to hurt her but he wanted to kill her like she had killed Charlie, Aunt Eldora, Emma and Violet. He made towards her with his sword but she was too quick and grabbed his wrist and laughed, she then grabbed his throat and whispered in his ear “I will be coming to see you again but I want you to be the last I kill.” She threw him to the ground and disappeared in a flash.

16. Michael dove towards the spot that Elle stood. He got up and looked over and saw Hiro holding Violet, her limp body just hanging, her eyes were closed it was like she was sleeping. Michael’s knees collapsed and fell beside her, Hiro looked up, he was crying. Michael lost his control and started crying they stayed there for what felt like hours. He lifted his head and saw faintly in the green wall was Violet. He got up without thinking and he strode over and raised his arm. He touched the wall and his fingers went through, Hiro looked up and shouted for him to stop. But before Michael could listen he stepped right into the wall and fell through. Immediately he couldn’t breathe, he just saw floods of souls which were all engulfing his vision. He felt like he would die then he saw her, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her with the little strength he had. Too may souls were surrounding him determined to stop him from leaving but then he saw Charlie and he managed to make them scatter, Michael felt like he would faint any moment but he saw Hiro through the green and he pushed and shoved until he broke free of the barrier. He collapsed with the silvery transparent form of Violet just lying limp on the floor. Michael got up and held her soul in his arms and laid it onto Violet, colour came back into her face and she opened her eyes gasping for breathe. Michael who was sitting beside her smiled and she grabbed his shirt gasping. Hiro lost all dignity and fell right besides her smiling with tears in his eyes. They stayed there for a few minutes just smiling down at Violet, until she got up and looked scared. They told her to sit down and they explained everything that had happened while she had been dead. They all got up wondering how they would get out when Violet walked over to the spot they had landed and there was a flash of white light and she was gone. Hiro and Michael did the same. Michael felt himself on the grass on the grounds then he heard an angry yell. Phineas was storming towards them his face contorted with rage. He stopped and yelled “YOU!!!” He threw them out of the grounds and threatened to call the police as they have broken windows but Michael just walked away and out of the grounds.

[Pandora]

Holy, that must be the longest post I'v ever seen.

*reading*

edit: finished the first part. So why don't they like Michael? Cause he isn't evil?

Edited January 31, 2007 by Jace

[Bear]

Yeah sorry about that.

Pretty much, he isnt like them and he isnt conforming to what they expect from their family.

[Pandora]

I didn't mean it negative in any way having a long post. It's just I'v never seen it. How long did it take to make that whole thing :/

I'd be busy for like 2 weeks long if I'd work on it for at least 1 hour every day. And that would be a easy crappy story.

edit:

finished part 2

2. 15 years later and nothing has really changed. Elle is leaving home for a new school, she is very thin and white with shoulder length black hair and grey, cold eyes. She looks like a corpse. Michael has his dad’s eyes which are dark blue which are seen as charming but unlike his dads have a sparkle and are full of warmth. He wasn’t thin but not large he was just normal; he had brown hair which was short and spiky. He had dark skin like his dad, in many ways he looked like him but he didn’t have his personality or manipulative air about him. Michael is ignored by his family as they have no use for him. He was close with the maid; she basically raised him as his parents didn’t want to. Elle frequently picks on him but now she just stays locked in her room only coming out for meals. She leaves the house to go to her new school, so its just Michael, Phineas and Lydia left. An argument is caused when Phinnuis, who is a politician, uses blackmail to be voted into being the mayor of their village. Michael hears this from his best friends Violet’s dad (Robert) who was threatened by Phineas to vote him in. Michael shouts at his dad about his dirty dealings so Phineas throws him out into the rain shouting “You are no son of mine!” He turns up to Violet’s house asking if he can stay.

is the part of his best friends Violet's dad gramatically right? Looks like an awkward sentence to me. But my english isn't near your standards by far so maybe I'm wrong.

Edited January 31, 2007 by Jace

[Bear]

It took a few weeks but the whole doucment is about 30 pages. Thats including the other three book plans for the series. So the one here is the first part. The third is my favourite, the final one I need some help with.

EDIT: the first sections arent grammatically wonderful as its a plan. they do get better though. It started out really as a list but I jsut kept adding.

Edited January 31, 2007 by Bear

[Pandora]

Ah, ok. Maybe I'l once see you'r books in the store "by Mrs. Bear" lol.

*Starts with the reading of part 3*

[Bear]

Thanks, it would be nice to one day get published but I have to get up off my arse and start typing.

[Jared]

I'd go for it if I was you. I think myself, no matter what age you are, we're given so many opportunities these days, and so many areas where we can take off and become who we want to be. It's those who stand back and wait for it to come to them that lose out, if you want something, go for it.

P.S. Haven't read it all yet, busy at the moment, will print it out and read it tonight though.