Mike356 Posted March 9, 2008 Share Posted March 9, 2008 (edited) He walked out of the movie theater with his two buds Rome and sean Rome was about 5ft 6in with a strong build well sean was 5 ft 5in he may of been small but he was one of the best drivers in all of town. The third and final guy that stood between them was Damon one of the strongest kids on the block he rarley let anything or anyone bother him him. They had just come from the movie terra tax and were walking back to the block that they lived on when they reached an alley they all split and headed back to their own homes. Since it was past curfew for all of them and Damon diddnt want his friends to get in anymore trouble since his Dad was a police officer for the local town and would surely arrest them. He jumped onto the roof and opened his window to his house he climbed in to his room and shut the window he started getting ready to go to sleep when he heard shouting from downstairs and then a gun shot. He tiptoed out of his room and looked down the stairs and into the hallway what he saw startled him there was a bloody heap on the floor that was his sister he knew the moment he saw her he knew she was dead. Then two more gunshots pierced the silence and two more thumps could be heard as Damons parents dropped to the floor. He looked on in horror as he silently said the word no the guy who had shot them then looked up the stairs and saw Damon and started shooting at him. Damon threw himself away from the stairs and into his room he jumped out the window and started running into the cold air of the night. read and respond as well as help come up with a title name Edited March 12, 2008 by shadow539 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike356 Posted March 9, 2008 Author Share Posted March 9, 2008 what nobody likes my story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spaz The Great Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Don't take offense, but I'm going to be pretty honest with you. I'm wondering if you know where you're going with this, or if you just started typing words as they came to you? You really should re-read your writings, as there are typing/spelling errors all through there. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming the grammatical errors are just that, errors. I know I've been typing, paused for a minute, and then when I picked back up I ended up messing up the sentence I was on. Work on using punctuation. Correct use((and creative use)) of punctuation can change the way a story is read entirely. It can help give it more depth and emotion. Or at least for me, it makes for a better read. Also, I'd try to refrain from things like actual movie names. I know you may love Tokyo Drift, but it sounds as if that's the only reason you put that in there. Certain things are fine, like sodas or maybe clothing. But I'd honestly try to stay away from licensed names, just makes it easier on you in the end. The statement about his father being a cop seemed a little, forced... Like, nothing lead to it, and it lead to nothing. The way you typed it, you made it sound as if the next line was going to be something Damon did to help prevent them from getting arrested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike356 Posted March 12, 2008 Author Share Posted March 12, 2008 yeah this is my first story ever written and my spelling errors have alaways been nad for me though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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