Auto Theft: Welcome to the Neighborhood

[Highwire]

Steven Darr, Tall, Strong, Thin, and ready to face the world steps out of an airplane. There is a ringing sound coming from his suitcase. He opens it up and pulls a cell phone from a small pocket near a pistol. "Yeah?" He answers the phone.

"I left a car for you, deliver it here. If it has a scratch im coming for you with my friends!" A voice replies. Steven hears a dial tone and hangs up. He ran to the parking lot searching all over for his car and finds a car with a note. The note read:

This is the car. Remember not a scratch or i'll have your head!

Steven hops in and turns the key. He pulls out of the lot and heads toward the road. He drove. Slightly nervous knowing that anyone could steal the car. It was a firetruck red Ferrari. Automatic with leather seats and 150 mph. He stopped at a Red light. He looks toward the sidewalk, not noticing a man sneaking up toward the car. He quietly opens the door and Steven looks at him. Steven pull out his pistol. "Back off!" Steven shouted.

The man ran away. The light turned green and Steven got there safely. He saw a man, In his 40's on the steps of a house. "Hello Steven," The man said rather devilish.

"Heres your car. Who are you?" Steven asked in curiosity. He stepped out of the car waiting for an answer.

'I'll tell you later follow me," The man answered and they went into the house leaving the car outside.

So what do ya think?

Edited December 19, 2007 by thegtaguy

[MrLlamaLlama]

If you cleaned up the grammar, and gave a bit more detail, it would be loads better. The concept / storyline is nice.

[Slyde]

Reminds me of the beginning of NFS2. It's nice but there are way too many errors. The first few words already shows the improper use of capital letters.

He say a man, In his 40's on the steps of a house. "Hello Steven," The man said rather devilish.

This bit made no sense to me.

[MrLlamaLlama]

He saw a man, In his 40's on the porch steps outside of a house. "Hello Steven," The man said, in a rather devilish voice.

Fixed?

[Slyde]

He saw a man, In his 40's on the porch steps outside of a house. "Hello Steven," The man said, in a rather devilish voice.

Fixed?

You forgot the capital in 'In".

[Highwire]

Woops my bad. Yeah it's fixed thats what I meant. Any more mistakes?

edit: I edited some mistakes I noticed

Edited December 19, 2007 by thegtaguy