Samil Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 (edited) -----------THE GHOST OF CJ'S MOM---------- One night,CJ was sleeping in his bedroom when he heard something from the kitchen.He took a 9mm pistol and went downstairs to check.When he entered the kitchen there was nothing.CJ was a little scared.After that he heard foot steps behind him.He turned, but didn't saw anything.Scared, he went to Sweet's house. CJ: Bro, open up! Sweet: CJ ... what is it? CJ: I dunno man, I heard weird noises in the house! Sweet: What? Damn you one scared cow! CJ: Cut it out man ... I think this is serious! Sweet: Alright man, lets check. Sweet took his 9mm pistol and the Johnson brothers entered the house.They checked the house and found nothing.They then sat in the bedroom and talked. Sweet: See? Nothing. CJ: Bro I swear I really heard some noises. Sweet: Maybe it was your imagination. And then suddenly, the lights turned off and in the room was a cold chill.When they turned at the door, they saw Beverly Johnson watching straight at them. CJ & Sweet: Shit!!! Then Beverly disapeared. CJ and Sweet ran outside in terror.Some Grove street OG's came and talked to them. OG1: Sweet, CJ, what the fuck happened? Sweet: We saw Moms! OG2: What? Moms? CJ: Yeah! She was at the bedroom door watching us. OG1: Damn this isn't good! CJ: Sweet we better check Moms grave at the cemetery! Sweet: Right. OG2: We will gather some homies to come, in case something happenes. OG1: Good idea, we will take the MP5's. So CJ, Sweet and 2 more Grove street vehicles with grove street OG's drove to the cemetery.When they were in front of CJ's Moms grave, the wind blew mad. Sweet: What a weather. CJ: Yeah. Sweet: Well...nothing weird. We better go home. When they left, in front of the grave apperead Beverly.CJ saw her and told the homie to stop the car.When they checked everything was normal.So they went home. CJ: I don't think I want to stay in the house this night. Sweet: You can stay at me if you want. CJ: Okay, thanks bro. So CJ slept in Sweets house.But he woke up at 4:45 because he had a nighmare.He dreamed he when he was a child, his brother Brian and his mother Beverly.Then the lights turned off then on again and he saw his brother dead.Then the lights turned off again and on again.Then he saw his mother dead.He screamed and ran outside.There he saw the Green Sabre leaving grove street and 2 homies shooting at it. He went in the kitchen and dranki a glass of water then he went to sleep again.The next day, Sweet woke CJ up and told him that he found someone that could help them.They went outside to wait for the person and he came in a red Admiral. Guy: Hello. CJ: You the man who will help us? Taylor: Name is Taylor Anderson.I am a paranormal investigator.I helped many people getting rid of these entities. Sweet: Whatever! How much do we have to pay you? Taylor: Nothing.I am not doing this for money.But after this can you give me a cup of coffee? Sweet: Yeah,yeah! Taylor: Okay we better get moving! So CJ,Sweet and Taylor entered the house and there was a chill and a noise coming from upstairs.They went upstairs and searched the rooms.When they entered the wardrobe, the lights went off and in the mirror appeared Beverly Johnson, all glowing white.CJ and Sweet were terrified and Taylor entered in a Trance with the ghost. Taylor: Beverly, why are you haunting this house? Beverly: Kendl ... she was kidnapped! Taylor: Kendl? Beverly: CJ's and Sean's sister.My daughter. Taylor: Oh my god! Then Taylor exited the trance. Taylor: Kendl was kidnapped!! CJ & Sweet: What??? CJ ran to the phone and called Cesar. CJ: Ces what's with Kendl? Cesar: CJ I was about to call you ese! Kendl was kidnapped!! CJ: By who? Cesar: I think they were those Rifa motherfuckers! CJ: Shit! Shit! Shit! Cesar: CJ, take some of your gang members and go to unity station.I will take Sunny, Gal and Hazer! CJ: Okay man. They ended the call. Sweet: So?! CJ: We have to recruit some gang members and go to unity station! Sweet: Got it! I'll gather some homies and prepare the cars. CJ: Okay bro. Taylor: Can I come? CJ: You sure you can do it? Taylor takes a Mac-10 out of his jacket. Taylor: Yeah! CJ: Okay. So CJ, Sweet, Taylor and 6 Grove street cars drove to Unity Station.Then they met Cesar, Sunny, Gal and Hazer. Cesar: Alright you here! Let's go! So everybody drove towards San Fierro.They drove for hours and when they finaly arrived, they stopped at Woozie's Bet shop.CJ and Cesar went upstairs but they were stoped by a triad member. Triad: Stop right there ... CJ? CJ: Yeah! I'm here to see Woozie! Triad: Okay! They entered Woozies room and he was eating his meal. CJ: Woozie! Woozie: Carl? CJ: Yeah! I need your help man! Woozie: Okay CJ.Everything you want. CJ: Okay so look ... or don't look. My sis was kidnapped. Woozie split out his meal. Woozie: What? Kendl? CJ: Yeah! I need your help man! Woozie: Okay CJ! I will talk to some of my men.Now, where is that switcher? While Woozie was searching the switcher he hit the table, the chair, dropped his meal on the ground at hit the wall. CJ: Damn it man! CJ pressed the button from the switcher.Then 2 triad members came in the room. Triad1: Yes sir! Something happened? Woozie: Kendl Johnson was kidnapped! Triad2: Oh my god! We will gather some men and prepare all the men! Woozie: Alright.CJ, who kidnapped Kendl? Cesar: The Rifas! Woozie: Rifas? They are good as dead! So everybody drove in the Rifas turf and began to kill every Rifa.CJ grabbed a Rifa and questioned him. CJ: Where the fuck is my sister? Rifa: Ugh ... in ... Jizzy B's club ...*cough* ... Jizzy B's ... club ... Then the Rifa died.CJ and the rest went to Jizzy B's club.There were 2 Rifas guarding the door.They took the Rifas out and entered the club.Inside, they found T-bone Medez, full with scars. CJ: T-bone? I though we killed you. T-bone: Yeah, you thought. But I am not dead.But you will be dead soon putos. Taylor: We will see about that. Then a classic shootout started.The Grove street families, Triads and the Los Aztecas wiped all Rifas and armed people there.T-bone took Kendl as human shield. T-bone: You shoot, she dies! CJ: Don't shoot! Cesar: Kendl! Then Kendl step on T-bone's foot and ran.Everybody started to shoot in T-bone like mad, this time killing him well.After that CJ went near T-bone and shot him in the head with a Desert Eagle, making sure he is dead.Kendl ran at him and hugged him.Sweet and Cesar came and hugged them too.Then they went to a restaurant to take lunch, cause, CJ didn't eat for a while. CJ: *Grump* Man ! ...*Grump* I didn't ate for a long time ... *Grump* Cesar: Yeah me neither ese. Sweet: Same as me! Finaly I see food in my eyes! Taylor: Yep ... and I got my coffee.By the way ... Kendl we need to tell you something. Kendl: What? And what is your name? Taylor: Taylor.Okay so look ... the Johnson's house is haunted ... by your mother. Kendl: What?! You joking! CJ: It's true sis.We saw Moms. Kendl: Oh my gosh! Cesar: Really ese? CJ: Really! Tell him bro. Sweet: Okay so we were in the bedroom and the lights turned off and there was a chill in the room.When the lights turned on we saw Moms at the door, and ran outside scared like hell, we met some OG's and went to the cemetery to see her grave.There was a cold wind.After we left CJ saw Moms infront of the grave.We stoped to check but didn't saw anything so we left.The next day we met Taylor, a paranormal investigator and he talked with Moms and found out that you were kidnapped.So we packed our guns and went to rescue you. Sunny: Hey eses we better get back to LS. Gal: Yeah, who knows what is happening. Sweet: Yeah I agree with you. So they took good-bye from Woozie and the Triads, they left Taylor in his house in Angel Pine, Cesar and the 3 Aztecas veterans went home and CJ, Sweet and Kendl entered the Johnsons house.Beverly was standing in the kitchen. CJ: Moms? Beverly: Yes Carl.It's me, mom.How are you Sean? Sweet: *crying* I'm ... fine mom. Beverly: Kendl, I'm so happy you are safe. Kendl: *crying* Mom! CJ: *crying* So ... now you will leave? Beverly: Not yet ... I'm still stucked here. CJ: What? Why? Kendl is safe! Why are you still stuck here?! Beverly: One more thing before I leave. Sweet: Okay mom, everything. Beverly: Tenpenny ... CJ: What? Beverly: Tenpenny is the one who wanted me dead. CJ: But we killed him! He died in a car accident! Beverly: No, he survived. Sweet: Damn! Kendl: We will handle this. CJ: No sis, we gonna handle this.It' too dangerous for you. Sweet: Yeah, you can stay at my house.I will have some homies to guard you. Kendl: Oh, okay! CJ: But where could Tenpenny be? Beverly: In the desert. Sweet: Desert? Beverly: Yes.He is at the mass grave with another victim. CJ: Then we gotta move! Beverly: Good luck my boys. So CJ and Sweet drove to El Castillo del Diablo in the desert.There they found Tenpenny, full with scars just like T-bone.He was dropping another body.CJ and Sweet went behind him. CJ: It's over Tenpenny! Tenpenny: Well, well ... look whos here! I dunno how you found me, but you will wish you didn't find me. Then Tenpenny took a smoke grenade and ran in a car, fleeing the scene.CJ and Sweet entered Sweet's Greenwood and chased Tenpenny.While CJ was shooting him, Tenpenny's car started to burn and he exited the car.Lieing on the ground, CJ stood infront of him and put a bullet in his head.Then the Johnson brothers went home.They entered the house and Beverly was in the kitchen. CJ: Now Tenpenny is gone for good! Beverly: *smiling* Yes.Well I guess that I have to go now.I want you to know that I loved you guys all the time and I will be watching you from heaven. CJ & Sweet: *crying* Good-bye mom. Beverly: Good-bye my dears. Then Beverly dissapeared and the house had peace once and for all.CJ and Sweet went outside and met Kendl. Kendl: So ... Moms is at peace at last? Sweet: Yeah ... at last. CJ: Hope you are fine where you are Moms. ------END------ Edited August 6, 2008 by Samil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustADummy Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Uh, hi. Just a suggestion, if you want a very good text, please improve your grammar, punctuation and make paragraphs please so the people can read your story easily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samil Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 Is it better? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrLlamaLlama Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Put a linespace between every separate part of dialogue, and only bold the names, will make it alot easier on the eye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samil Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 When you finish reading, please post here if it was or wasn't good, okay people? Put a linespace between every separate part of dialogue, and only bold the names, will make it alot easier on the eye. BOLD? THIS WILL TAKE A HELL LOT TIME Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustADummy Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 (edited) We're giving you suggestions, the writing topics aren't only to say "I liked", "I didn't like it". It's to say that too and give some constructive criticism at the same time. Edited August 5, 2008 by S-V Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samil Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 But after all, what's wrong with it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvoLuTioN Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Okay I read have read through the whole story, I'll give you bit of a review for it. I liked how the story started, had the spooky feeling. It was fine till the part where Taylor is introduced, After that It feels as if the story has been rushed, Description of the environment would do wonders. Also I don't really think the Triad two would be so concerned if he's just Triad 2! Also the hunter was unnecessary he's not going to attack a military base or something. Also Tenpenny returning and being in the middle desert was just out of the blue, A little description there too would help. I can't be arsed to type any more, gotta go get me some cake! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samil Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 didn't used the hunter? well then ill remove it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDoubleU Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 first things first... @ spider vice: mate in england we have a saying "thats like the pot calling the kettle black" no it is not a racist remark it means you are being a hypocrit... your grammar isn't exactly perfect either is it? @ samil: i agree evolution, started good but was a bit shoddy towards the end... now i am not much of a creative writer so i am not going to tell you how to improve, because quite frankly i don't know... however some basic punctuation and grammar and spelling would be excellent, saying that i am impressed because i am sure as hell i wouldn't have been able to write that story in another language as coherently as you did, well done mate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samil Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WRX22B1998 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 cool story. Taylor: Nothing.I am not doing this for money.But after this can you give me a cup of coffee? lol he wants "coffee"?!?! jks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samil Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 xD Yep ... Ooops! I should write that he got his coffee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDoubleU Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 if he does het his coffee please make it a drink and not "a form of exercise" if you get me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samil Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 (edited) I'm doing another story in another topic.It will be The San Andreas Mysteries -part 1- Kidnappers. Edited August 7, 2008 by Samil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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