Totally reminds me of those Harley how-to articles I wasted my time on when I was little. I learned some stuff from it, and it further fueled my fascination with motorcycles. Oh, and feel free to post the howto in my wiki site if you like. I have a personal Wikipedia-style site if you feel like adding some instructional stuff up.
For the millionth time, no. I don't intend to be uncivil, but please stop being such a noob; a computer that old obviously won't keep up with the demands of a relatively new game.
The processor does need some upgrading. GTA IV is known to have performance bottleneck issues on CPUs, so a faster chip is better. The video card's fine on medium-low, though, and your RAM should be enough for the job.
My cot:
I share space with my brother; the other room next to ours is empty - dunno if I could file a support ticket to my mum or dad so that I can sleep on the other room.