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VCPR with Maurice Chavez, the a hole.

Fat Cobra

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Fat Cobra Apprentice

Fat Cobra

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Maurice: Thanks guys! Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to

Pressing Issues on VCPR. That's Vice City Public Radio. Radio which

gives people exactly what they want: High quality educational

programming about serious topics and the consistent reminder that this

world is going to hell in a handbasket if you don't give us money.

Remember, Vice City Public Radio is commercial free because it is funded

entirely by donations by our listeners... and corporate sponsors. So,

if you're enjoying the show, why not make a contribution? I am Maurice

Chavez, and this is Pressing Issues. Pressing Issues is a roundtable

discussion group in which we as self-important people exactly what they

think about things and then they argue amongst themselves for a bit...

Before leaving with views more extreme than when they came in. Only

joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a show founded on the ancient

Greek principle of enlightened debate and the American principle of free

speech. Or is that the ancient Greek priniciple of feeding wisemen

hemlock and the American principle of being annoying (annoyed?) and loud

so no one can get a word in? I forget. Only time will tell. Now, the

subject that we are discussing right now on Pressing Issues with me,

Maurice Chavez, for your enlightenment and enjoyment is a very serious

one: Public Safety. In case you haven't noticed, Vice City is not a

very safe place. These are troubled times. We are a troubled people.

Some would say we are a people at war with ourselves. Other say we are

at war with reality. Those who live in other countries and strive to

own our fast food restaurants and Kwik-E-Marts would say we are a blood-

thirsty bunch of crazies who let children buy guns from the super

markets. Another opinion is that it is the fault of society. That, as

Plato said, "People don't mean to kill each other." It happens because

they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a vacation

or something. Another view is that we are all a little confused and

really should stay at home, locked in doors and forget about everything

as quickly as possible. So, let's press the issue, eh?! Sitting at our

panel right now, we have three divergent opinions. Three separate items

of insanity in a rolling sea of stupidity. Three wisemen following very

different stars. To my right, heh, to everyone's right in fact, we have

congressman Alex Shrub; the youngest state congressman to ever be

elected by Vice City and now a respected man in the capital. Mr. Shrub

got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod

your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of

us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you

care about the children." Mr. Shrub, welcome!

Alex: That's not entirely true, Maurice. My campaign also appealed to

the poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held

up pretty pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their

most base insticts. Thanks Maurice. I'm glad to be given this

opportunity to set the record straight.

Maurice: I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend.

Let me introduce my other guest first.

Alex: I hope this isn't going to get personal. I love Vice City more

than anyone, and I can proove it.

Maurice: Yes, that's coming from the man who got elected by calling his

opponent a "buffalo butt" and a fat, hen-pecked wimp that couldn't fight

his way out of a wet, paper bag. Anyway, our next guest is from the

opposite end of the political spectrum. A man so wet, he looks like he

just stepped out of the shower. Peace Corps activist, hippie concert

taper, founder of the group "Speaking for the Underdog". He is fluent

in seven languages and studied the harp in Peru: Callum Crayshaw.

Callum: Hi Maurice! Hola. Buenos dias and noches. Bonjour and

buongiorno. Wilkommen. Hallo, hello, hi!

Maurice: Uhhehehe... Let's stick to English. Most of us struggle enough

with that. Welcome to Pressing Issues... And lastly, we have a man with

a noble solution to the problems of public safety in Vice City. A

solution so stupid, I cannot bring myself to explain it for him. Yet,

like break dancing, it is sadly catching on. A man who appears on this

fine show because our previous know-it-all panelist was car-jacked and

is now at home arming himself to the teeth. I give you John F. Hickory.

John: How y'all doing!?

Maurice: Indeed. So, before we get started, gentlemen, let me remind

you of the rules of engagement. Here on Pressing Issues, the number one

rated show on public radio in the Vice City are and hosted by me,

Maurice Chavez. Pressing Issues is about free speech, not feeding each

other hemlock, literally or metaphorically.

John: My daddy used to grow that stuff in the back woods in Missouri.

HOOOWEEE! I tell you what!

Maurice: Yes, thank you! I expect you to listen to each other and I

will only step in when necessary only so people on the Earth don't

forget what my voice sounds like, heh heh heh heh. So, I want a clean

fight. Nothing below the belt on in the chops. And remember Maurice's

moto, which a very wiseman, my father, once told me, "If you listen, one

day you might be heard and when in doubt, use the smell test." That's

so important I think. Don't you? So, congressman, let's start with

you. Crime is up, people are scared to walk the streets, nobody is

taking public transportation, police morale is at an all-time low,

everyone is killing and maiming and giving each other the finger,

metaphorically speaking. Do you think the government is doing a good

job?

Alex: Absolutely! Those statistics are interesting, but like all

statistics, they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better

statistic, Chavez. In 1980, when I was elected and you were, according

to the intelligence gathered on you, a man with no mission. You worked

as a clown at birthday parties, corporate functions, bar mitzvahs, and

go-go bars. You, realizing that you were a hollow man that can only

take on the personality of others, decided to become an actor... And

despite going up for 17 auditions that year, you only got work as a

fluffer in a sex ed. video. Your tax returns show that you earn less

than $2000. Suffering from anxiety, you attended a group therapy for a

year and considered getting a sex change. An idiot liberal felt sorry

for you and now you host your own radio show, write a newspaper column

(that lines my bird cage), you got an ex-wife and an attractive

girlfriend although she's married to your best friend, and you're on top

of the world. So answer me this... Can you really say the years of

living under my administration have been bad for you?

Maurice: Eh, eh. We are not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues,

not Pressing Maurice.

Callum: Yes, excuse me if I may. Can we get to the part where we press

the issue?

Alex: You see, that's what's wrong with this city. Liberals just want

to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-

working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my

permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be

doing us all a favor! Free love, wig out, don't work, make love in the

field, and listen to rock-n-roll or whatever you call it. Meanwhile,

Crayshaw, I know your father. He's made a lot of money which makes him

a great person, but for every good conservative they end up having some

wacko, commie kid just back from a vacation in the orient who wants to

share. Go take that sharing business to Cuba or Canada or somewhere. I

don't have a trust fund or a rich daddy. I know what it is to be poor

and to look at the world from the other side. I slept my way to the

top.

John: Ehem, if you two would stop, uh, hootin' and carryin' on, I have a

plan that will save Florida from the yellow-bellied snakes that want to

slither into this great state from all places north.

Alex: Oh, look. Stump-jumpin' Jethro is using all three of his brain

cells to talk!

Maurice: Enough! We've just started and you have prooved yourself, Mr.

Shrub, to be just as they said. I grant you, 1980 was not a high point

in my career, but I never applied for a sex change. I was merely in an

exploratory phase and besides which, Sal the Wheat-free clown was a

funny act! Once voted the best upincoming dietary restrictive comic act

in the whole of Vice City. I tried to take it to the Catskills, but

Mount Scarylarge was full. Besides, we are not talking about me. We

are talking about you.

Alex: Actually, if I remember correctly, you didn't win. Mary the Meat-

Free Mime won. In fact, under legislation I am proposing, all of you

vegetarians will be kicked out of Vice City. We were given canines and

bicuspids for a reason... To open packages of potato chips.

Maurice: Hey! Don't get wrong! I always hated that bitch! What's funny

about a woman not eating a hamburger, or miming saving a chicken from

the slaughterer's hands? ...Or her big act: "I Am a Milk Cow: A

Lactating Machine For Your Breakfast Cereal"? How do you think a little

kiddie liked that on his brithday, not very much."

:)

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Fat Cobra Apprentice

Fat Cobra

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I posted that because i thought the bored people with dial up internet connection would figure out something to do while they read that, because you know how right when you get off line and log off you figure out something to do. then you hve to log on again and go thru dial up then go to the site they want to

Do you get what i'm saying. :erm:

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