Attack Number FOUR

[Spaz The Great]

Ha, bet you thought this was another hacking or spam attack or something. Nope. What I mean by attack number four, is YOU GUYS are the fouth people to be attacked with my following rant. I originally posted it on MySpace, then GTAWH, then The PSP Nation, and then I was like WHAT THE HELL, might as well continue! So, here goes.

This week, althought short and filled with fun days, have STILL had bad parts, which ACTUALLY began on Saturday, so it wasn't only this week. Sorry, I made a mistake.

And I can't even talk to Marc((Triad)) right now so I'm left wondering WTH is going on with him.

You know, everytime I talk to someone online I find out a little bit more about myself. I always tell people I have a fear of being restrained, tied up, etc. Anything with limited movement, which includes being stuck in tight spaces. Well, I've found out there is a root to that. There is a broader range of fear that is like a parent to it. It isn't a solitary fear, but just a part of my biggest fear. Lose of control. I fear not having control. If I'm restrained, I cannot control anything around me. I can't control what happens to me.

Now I'm starting to fear love, and my own emotions. They are, yet again, more things that I cannot control. That explains two things:

1. Why I have trouble speaking my emotions, like saying "I love you".

2. Why I hate Valentines Day. Because it is a holiday based on something I fear.

When I look at it like that, it makes sense. I was just telling Jessa earlier tonight how I hate not being able to apply logical or reasonable thinking to a situation. I hate having unclear, foggy, mixed up areas that cannot be explained. Now I'm starting to figure a bit more out. I'm figuring stuff out that I didn't completely understand before, or didn't even notice before.

I can't control who I love. I can't control who loves me. I can't control who the people I love feel love for. I can't control who the people who love me feel love for. That has definitely got to be pretty scary. I mean, it just happens. I can't interferre, I can't stop it. It is just there and I have to accept it. Believe me, if I could have it any other way, I would.

Everytime I think I know as much about myself as possible, I learn more. Hell, I'm learning things about myself as I type this out. It really is amazing what you learn about YOURSELF just from talking to people, or yourself for that matter! I mean, who knows you better than, well, you?

I try to be as fair as possible at all times, I really do. I try not to take sides just because of favoritism. I try to look at the situation and actually choose the side that is, or seems to be, right. I also don't believe that being family means you all of sudden like, have to be your family member's top person. Ok, I'm having troubles explaining this, so let me give you an example. My mom is ALWAYS giving shit away that we had to PAY FOR to my sister. She doesn't believe in charging family members because they are family. If I have a store, and you're a family member, you're still paying. MAYBE I might let something slide, or I might discount it, but I'm not giving people any special priveledges. Let me give you another example. I love people because of who they are, not because of their position/title/role/etc. Just because you're related to me, does NOT mean I have to love you. Understand that? Good. Take my youngest neice, I love her to death. I don't know why. There is just something special about her, I know it. And she is usually really clingy to me, she loves me. But her brother, is a whiny cry-baby who gets on my nerves. And her older sister, is a bitchy brat. I can barely stand either one of them.

Now, to prove that further, Cheyanne((the older sister)) is in girl scouts. She met her little friend Hailey((a few of you might have heard about her from me)). I started babysitting Hailey along with my own neices and nephew, as I have been practically since they were born. For some reason, I grew attached to Hailey, like I am with Skye. I love her like she's my own child, just as I do Skye. Now, Skye IS my family, Hailey is NOT RELATED TO ME AT ALL. See my point? I've been told a few times((mainly by Josh, you're awesome, dude)), that I'd make one HELL of a father. And well, I guess that is true. Damn true. I just don't really know if I'm up to that, or when I'm up to that.

You know, when I decided to post this, I was planning on typing up a few sentences and asking people to talk to me, but it turned into this. Not entirely sure how. Oh well, if you actually sat there and read all of this, thanks for wasting your time reading it, I appreciate it, really, I do. If anyone would like to talk, please do, I enjoy talking to people about anything and everything. I have to wake up at 7:30 tomorrow so I have to end this here.

The one and only,

Spaz The Great.

[Joonas]

I read it all but i don't understand some things. I mean you made yourself clear and i guess you're in the part of your life when love takes over you and just as you said - you can't control it. But what i don't understand is love. I'm 13 and i have never loved someone in my life. But if you want to talk about it, im available. Take care.

[Spaz The Great]

I read it all but i don't understand some things. I mean you made yourself clear and i guess you're in the part of your life when love takes over you and just as you said - you can't control it. But what i don't understand is love. I'm 13 and i have never loved someone in my life. But if you want to talk about it, im available. Take care.

I think my first.... "love".... Was when I was 13. I'm not sure if I was actually, "in love", or if I was just lusting heavily, but either way, whatever.

And yeah, give it time. Nothing is simple anymore, it just all becomes a giant mess. Oh well, it makes for an interesting ride, I guess?

[Oskar]

Aah,

Good days they were,

I used to be embarassed to say 'I Love You' to my friend ( A WOMAN OF-COURSE ) and then I got my other friend to say it. But when she told me what he said I was like WTF!? and I screwed his face in.

But then I went up to her and I asked her ad then she gave me a slap ! But now we're good friends.

Aint bothered to read it all...

[Spaz The Great]

Aah,

Good days they were,

I used to be embarassed to say 'I Love You' to my friend ( A WOMAN OF-COURSE ) and then I got my other friend to say it. But when she told me what he said I was like WTF!? and I screwed his face in.

But then I went up to her and I asked her ad then she gave me a slap ! But now we're good friends.

Aint bothered to read it all...

Um.... If you read.... It isn't embarrasment.

[Joonas]

I used to say "I love you" to some girls that i liked, too but that wasn't love. I was - i dont know - nine then or something... Dont remember too good. But i haven't felt the real love yet

[Edds]

I never expected you to post anything like this, although it's nice to feel the serious, or sentimental side of you.

I had many crushes since I was 9, probably one in every two years. I'm currently 15, so I probably had 3 or 4. As for myself, I never had a relationship, and not planning to get into one soon. I know it's not right having relationships at this age, I'm still too young for that, but I'm pretty sure I know how this so called "true love" is like. I read the whole post, I didn't understand 100% of it, but I think I still got most of the picture.

Thanks for sharing.

Edited February 23, 2006 by EddTehPwner

[Sherman]

I never expected you to post anything like this, although it's nice to feel the serious, or sentimental side of you.

I had many crushes since I was 9, probably one in every two years. I'm currently 15, so I probably had 3 or 4. As for myself, I never had a relationship, and not planning to get into one soon. I know it's not right having relationships at this age, I'm still too young for that, but I'm pretty sure I know how this so called "true love" is like. I read the whole post, I didn't understand 100% of it, but I think I still got most of the picture.

Thanks for sharing.

Eh, thats the thing.. it's MUCH easier to meet people in school and have little relationships ( imo ) so you can date a variety of girls ( I HOPE you date girls ) I mean you might like bitchy girls, where as I hate them. Heh.. just my 10 cents.

Good to see you letting out a bit of your emotions though dude.

[Edds]

Eheh? Lol? I don't date girls, I never had a date, my friends tell me it's a disappointment for a 15-year-old, but hell I don't really care what they say.

I mean you might like bitchy girls, where as I hate them.

Whoa, I dono what made you imply that, but just for the record, NO.

[Sherman]

Eheh? Lol? I don't date girls, I never had a date, my friends tell me it's a disappointment for a 15-year-old, but hell I don't really care what they say.

Whoa, I dono what made you imply that, but just for the record, NO.

Heh, no dude.. just giving an example.. Im 14 and've never had a date either.. not worried about it. But.. atleast you've never had a date if you dont date girls I suppose.

[Chris]

Interesting conversation. Spaz I agree that you will/would be an excellent father, somewhat of a role model for others who some day want to become a father.

Like myself for example, I always said I'd never have kids since I was about 12. I always expressed my opinion that it is too hard and with statistics in the UK of a massive 50% of all couples splitting up and causing kids distress, it just didn't seem the correct thing to do, as I wouln't wanna put kids (if they were young at the time) through that.

That's when I realised I was always looking at the subject with a negative perspective. I never thought about if it worked out well. What if was with a women I truly loved. What if we had kids. What if it was a happy, loving relationship. I never thought about it that way. I've never been in a serious relationship myself, and at the moment I don't particularly want one.

Although I do want one in the future though, perhaps when I've grown out of my computer-kid-shell, which severely inhibits my social life. Regrettably. Living with an addiction to computers is kinda lame when it comes down to social stuff.

But anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Perhaps I'll say something more another time.