Dirty Harry Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 This is a small song I wrote. Does it suck too much? Talking will get you nowhere son. After all the president has a bigger gun. Nowhere to hide for there is nowhere to run. You'll never die you'll never have fun. All because your people are waiting for the chosen one...... You are ashamed of being born. And your father is always wathing that porn. While your mother seems to be blowing somebody's horn It is at this moment you wished you had a gun It is at this moment you think you are the chosen one It is at this moment you find somehere to run. Sure kill'em all oh wouldn't that be fun.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spaz The Great Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 No offense, but it seemed you were more worried about the rhyming than the flow, rhythm or even MEANING to the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirty Harry Posted September 13, 2007 Author Share Posted September 13, 2007 (edited) Thanks I only needed an opinion. You are right I have to change it. The song has some sort of meaning, it's about a disturbed boy who kill's his parents. Edited September 13, 2007 by dirty harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spaz The Great Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 O RLY? I thought it may have been a rampage thing where he went and killed other people on the streets and shit. Meh I was wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slayer Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 I find that song rather funny than something serious. 1st 5 lines are nice, but then it felt like somebody forced you to continue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirty Harry Posted September 13, 2007 Author Share Posted September 13, 2007 Yeah I really needed these critics, it helps to change the song. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrLlamaLlama Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 No offense, but it seemed you were more worried about the rhyming than the flow, rhythm or even MEANING to the song. I second that. Try to use a few different ways to rhyme, not just 1 or 2 ryhme schemes. Meh, sometimes i do crap like this... Well, i used to alot... in the past.... *dwells on the past* and i got pretty good at it. It comes with practice. Work at it, it'll sound better every time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little_Chestnut Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 I have to agree ... You seemed to be trying too hard to make it rhyme ... rhyming is something that should not be forced so much. Poems and songs do not have to rhyme, the meaning would have probably been clearer if you didn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Highwire Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Thanks I only needed an opinion. You are right I have to change it.The song has some sort of meaning, it's about a disturbed boy who kill's his parents. Really? Seriously its about that? I thought it was about a kid getting ready to kill the president or go on a wild rampage to kill everyone. Everything Rhymes too much just lay off all that rhyming of the same thing and only have 2 lines that end in a rhyme. Then it would be better. Also make it make sense more. Don't talk about the President with a big gun then go right to talking about his dad watching porn and his mom honking horns. It all has to come together all the way through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connor Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 Pretty good dude..But I laughed at this..(I'm just weird) And your father is always wathing that porn.While your mother seems to be blowing somebody's horn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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