Eugene Mirman: So I was with this guy, and he asked me "If you were an animal which would you be?" I said "I'd be a swamp" he said "That's not an animal". So I hit him, cos I'd be a bear. But I wanted to show, not tell.
Patton Oswalt: Guess what! If you were into metal in the 80's, YOUR GAY! Damn, that shit was gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys, extra dick to go in the ear!"
Bill Hicks: "Rock stars hawing Diet Cokes! What real rock star would do something like that, you know? . . . You don't see the imminent danger, do you? You're staring at me like, "Bill, they're just musicians, and they're, you know, and they're just doing their thing, and - NO! They are DEMONS SET LOOSE ON THE EARTH TO LOWER THE STANDARDS FOR THE PERFECT AND HOLY CHILDREN OF GOD!"
more Bill Hicks: "I'd quit smoking if I didn't think I'd become one of them [obnoxious, self-righteous nonsmokers]. . . . I'm smoking and you come up coughing at me. Jesus! You go up to crippled people dancin', too, you fucks? "Well, hey, Mr. Wheelchair. What's you're problem? Come on, Ironside. Race ya!" You fucking sadist. I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die. Deal? Thank you, America. "
Bill Hicks is God. King Of COmedy and all things true.